Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
