Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
