Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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