He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
