Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There's always time for handjobs
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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