You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
