Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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