you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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