I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
