I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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