he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
