I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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