Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
