it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
