I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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