I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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