Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
