Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
