My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
