Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
