what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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