Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
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