oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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