I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
