I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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