I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
