new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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