I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
