I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
