i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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