He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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