I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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