I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
