How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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