Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize