seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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