The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
