Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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