you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
