dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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