I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize