youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
