so that wasnt chicken after all
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize