WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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