I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
