I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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