I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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