Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
