seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
