my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
