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as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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