I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
