i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
