God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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