Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
