: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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