So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
