i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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