Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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