I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
