I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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